That would be me!

Pounding at times

I used to feel that way all the time. I actually thought it was a suicidal tendency, but then I figured out it was just desperation thanks to all of my pain. Because if I didn't have pain, I'd be pretty darn happy! I've learned to live with my pain by changing my attitude and finding joy in little everyday things, and my desire to just "die and get it over with" has eased away. However, that's not to say that I don't look forward to dying. I do because I truly believe we live on in another form. Yet, every morning when I try to get out of bed (I have many painful ailments so moving is difficult), I have to fight the same battle of moving painful body parts to just get up and start microwaving hot packs for my head pain. And everyday I have to fight back the discouragement that "here's another day in pain, and somehow I have to find joy in this body." It's a rather tricky tightrope balance to stay positive hurting this much everyday....but what are the alternatives? Find the joy... in spite of the pain!

Well, I don't mean suicidal ideation, I mean just the thought that it would be nice not to wake up if pain is all we had to look forward to. This has nothing to do w a will to live. Just a thought in back of our minds that this might be better is we ceased to exist. No pain!

I have felt like that every now and then, but ultimately my will to live through it is stronger.